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Kiss
03-02-2008, 04:47 PM
Chapter One: The beach
As Lilac sat on the beach she thought of her home in New York. Her vacation to the keys of Florida was almost over in two days her family would fly home. The wind began to blow, and she put on her hat on to obtain her silky beach blonde hair. She then heard a voice almost exactly like the winds, it spoke,
"Grab his money then grab that girl,"
Terrified, Lilac ran to her families condo. Nobody else was home, but she locked the doors anyway. In the window she perched a note
" I think someones after me so i've locked the doors, knock and I'll let you in.
Most love,
Lilac"
She then scooped up a book and sat in the overstuffed armchair and read.
About twenty minutes later, two figures were strolling the beach. Then suddenly one pointed at Lilac's condo. The ran up to the door and knocked. Hard. Thats when Lilac saw them unrecognizing them she turned back to her book. THen one spoke it sounded exactly like the voice she had heard earlier it said, "Let me in little girl"

Raw!
03-02-2008, 07:02 PM
Pretty good. Some spelling errors, but pretty good. The introduction isn't grabbing. But once you get to the middle section of chapter one it grabs you in.

One thing I don't get is...

Then suddenly one pointed at Lilac's condo. The ran up to the door and knocked.

Trust me, it doesn't take that fast for someone to get into a condo. Even if it's on the 1st floor. I just don't get it.